Career Success

So I've spent quite a bit of time trying to fathom and comprehend how someone has a successful career. It seems that older people in their 30s/40s who work really hard end up having a successful life. Except they work themselves to the bone and do barely else. I can say that there are some people who manage to retire, and it's nice to know there MAY be light at the end of the tunnel somewhere. I do not see the same future for myself, probably why it's so difficult to think about it. At some point in 20ish years, I'll probably be completely and utterly sick, and unable to work. I'm not expecting to have a fulltime job at that point, much less "retire" from anywhere. I'm suspecting I'll have whatever I've managed to build for myself in my time working, and hopefully have enough saved away that I can live off of with disability from the state as well. But then there's always hope for some sort of pharmaceutical miracle, right? I suppose there's much hope after the vertex trials and the billions of dollars that the CFF raised. We'll see what happens in the next few years, hopefully something to give me peace at mind.

Okay so, work really hard, all the time, sacrifice a lot of things, and be successful. But what is success really? Is it measured by how much debt you're not in, or how many vacations you can afford to go on? To me it's a matter of perspective, like much else in the world, it seems to lose focus depending on who you talk to. To me it means doing something from start to finish, in it's entirety. It means picking up the pieces of a puzzle and finishing it, even if you didn't start it. It means being able to survive and live in this world and society, as unfortunate as that is, that's what I attribute career success to be.

So how do you become successful? I'm still trying to understand, do you try to get to the top of a specific company? Do you keep bouncing around from position to position trying to find the best possibly salary and bonus structure with a stable company? Do you just work at the same place for a dozen+ years hoping that they will remember you when retirement comes? What's the answer? I'm not exactly certain, as none of the companies I've ever worked for have any retired people in it. They aren't large scale companies in the slightest. They want to use you for work, and then throw you away and try their chances with the next person. I've never been in a financial situation where I can just try to do things my way on my own, and I'm not certain I ever will be.

My biggest part to comprehend is working a 40 hour work week, nonstop. Why do we live in a country that works everyone to death? That cares so little about each other and their physical/mental health? Why do we thrive on this kind of society? What does it take to change? I wish I knew these answers, I think I'd be better off. But for now I have to play the game - the game where I use every bit of energy to get somewhere quickly in life, in hopes that i can sustain my health before it collapses along with my sanity, and make a mark on this world. All the while pretending I am just like the rest of you... All the while wondering how long I can keep this up for. Only time will tell.

Evil

I cannot fathom why there are people in this world who are out to hurt others. I cannot wrap my mind or attempt to understand what gives the person the gall, the urge, to hurt someone. I have seen so much unneeded pain in my lifetime, both physical and mental that was beyond avoidable.

People in general are so lost.

What makes a person want to hurt someone? Do they feel like it makes their blood pump faster knowing the other person is in pain and they are not? Are they so caught up in their own life that they cannot even fathom that they are causing other people pain?

I guess it's a good thing I cannot relate, it probably speaks volumes about my own personality. I'm attempting to vent here, based on a bunch of recent events against some female friends of mine, it's becoming increasingly difficult to hold back my anger and not just destroy everything. I'm a very calculated person, it would be in everyone's best interest not to betray me. Even then, I've been betrayed many times in the past, and I have done nothing to seek revenge. I have eventually let go of the pain, and the anger that was inside of me, and forgiven the other person(s). Being the opposite of hot-headed allows me to think through things that people would normally just jump and react to. This is definitely one of my strong suits. It's easier for me to forgive and never forget about things directed at me, because I know I'm the better person. It's harder for me to accept that people I know, gentle, kind, genuine people, are being taken advantage of, or are being hurt intentionally by others. It's even more difficult to accept that there's nothing I can do about it.

What does anger prove? It proves that I'm able to feel a strong set of emotions, that make my fists clench and my mind race, it proves that I'm able to feel the Yang to my peaceful calm Yin. It helps me understand myself better each time I get angry, wondering what it was that allowed me to get this way. I'm not perfect, and I most certainly have had anger problems most of my early life, but it seems now it takes a whole lot to make me angry. I think it's because I realize that this lie is short, and the stress that I'm putting on my body with anger and pain, is only slowly killing me. There are certain kinds of anger, that I use for energy and I hang onto. That good anger, that motivation to succeed and not give up, that's a kind I'll live with. It's not all bad, but most of it is...

So why does evil exist? I often find myself saying that you cannot have good without the bad, you cannot have yin without the yang. It would be foolish of me not to accept my own advice, that I've given to countless friends on countless occasions. So here's me trying to accept that evil exists only so we can appreciate the good in the world. Yup, I tried, I refuse to accept it. I think we can learn from the few evil people and allow history to tell us the rest. I'm so sick of feeling anger and hatred towards people I don't even know. It's easy to do though, especially when the people you don't know are hurting the people you know and care about. It's easy to misplace feelings and allow yourself to be consumed with the negativity that anger brings. It's difficult though, to accept myself angry. I don't want to be that kind of person, and I don't want to embrace those feelings. But I can't help but want very much for karma to do it's job and take people who don't deserve this air they are breathing, and take it away from them.

I have many reasons in this world to hate, or to feel angry. I choose not to because I don't like what it does to me. I choose not to be angry. So why can't others choose this way too? What's the motivation to hurt others? You're ruining good people all for the sole purpose of achieving your own goals. You're no better than the rest of the scum on this planet, trying to take advantage of the weaker person for your own gains. You deserve to be strung up, and pulled from 4 different directions by 4 horses, while being spit on by everyone in the city. If I were to ever change my passive ways, and subject myself to being an aggressive person, I would surely not be bored or without purpose..

But I digress. Life is too short for the what-if's and the misery. Life is too short to allow one bad seed to ruin an entire orchard of hope and love. I'm not a bundle of kittens in terms of personality, I definitely get pissed off. I just try to be conscious of my attitude and how my actions can affect others. This world has enough hate, greed, and misery in it, I do my best not to add to it. You should too.

So my ending thoughts are this: Don't be lost. Don't be so caught up in your "life-situation" that you're refusing to see how your actions are affecting others. There are a lot of people out there who will help shape this world for the better, and everytime they get shit on and they get betrayed, it's one step closer from this world not having anyone left to give a fuck about it and the people on it. What happens when nobody gives a shit? What happens when there's not a soul left who has peace enough to effect others positively? How long do you think we'll last as a civilization? As a member of the human race, this thought makes me realize how easily we could become extinct.

Purpose (clearly it's 42)

(Holy burnt bacon Batman! A lot of words incoming!)

What do you feel the purpose of living is? I think all of us have spent time deciding what we want to do with our lives, or perhaps to find fulfillment and purpose... But how do we know the things we are doing and the path we are traveling is the right one? Is there a right one? (I'm a left kind of a guy..) Or is it just better to decide to go down the wrong street than to hesitate? Personally I don't mind circling the block a few times to find where I'm supposed to go as opposed to being in that awkward state of mind where you aren't sure what you're doing and there's someone behind you creeping up on you, hopefully not texting and doesn't rear-end you...

Where do you find purpose, if you can't find it within yourself? Do you reach out to others indirectly for it? I think it's common, that you find people that you admire for reasons you cannot explain, and you seek their purpose, and then manipulate and transform the purpose to best fit what you're searching for, and what kind of fulfillment you require during this process of acquiring purpose. But the problem with this logic is that you never know if that person, that role model - is actually genuine; and therefore you base your own logic and reasoning off the idea of someone's genuine nature, and genuine characteristics (at least in my own experience).

What then if you get let down? Does your life fall apart?
Probably not, you probably have good ideals, or good morals set for yourself so therefore you have some stability in life. I have this thought in my mind: if I build a good foundation, there's no ditch I can fall into anymore. I find this to be true with a lot of things in my life - relationships, friendships, my career.. If I take the time to build foundation, even if I fall (get out of a relationship, lose a friendship, lose a job) - I know I'm setting myself up mentally, and in my career with a skillset to handle the sorts of falling that could occur. It's just precaution, but it's worth doing in most cases. And in my career, it's just helping my build a better career, so it's a win-win there..

If you find your life falling apart, I urge you to build foundation. Start with the basics: means to survive, taking care of the important things, determine what you need to do for yourself and your state of mind, and start building on that - find a good group of people that have common interests who bring the best parts of your personality out - the ones you can tell anything to, the ones you can goof off with, the ones who aren't afraid to tell you when you're stepping out line - and be humble enough to appreciate their words and their friendship to know when you need to re-evaluate!

I rant a good bit, and go back and forth on issues, but it's the meat (to my vegan friends: tofu) and potatoes that I want to discuss here. The purpose of the plate of food, the purpose of waking up on time for things, the purpose of life - the universe, and everything in it. (Besides the obvious answer of 42..)

I look at my life, and the hardships I've endured as some sort of preface or some sort of start of an epic journey in which I'm meant to do something amazing. I've felt my entire life that I didn't quite understand why - I have to do something meaningful. I can't live this entire life struggling and not have anything to show for it. I can't live a life without purpose, I won't allow myself to do that. I know I can't be the only one. It could be my imagination that refuses to believe that I'm some normal guy, meant to just live a dull life and die, but I can tell you regardless of the reason, I will make a difference in this world. So this brings me back to the plate of food in front of us.

The meat represents our life goals.  We want to have kids, we want to buy a house (or at least live in one), we want to get married. These goals, are usually tailored towards our own individual outlook on life. For example, adoption vs. fostering vs. having kids the ol' fashion way. It's funny though, just like our meat we have our own idea of what we want - what we like - how we like our food marinated, cooked, etc - and nobody can change that. Sometimes we don't always get it though, and we manage just fine. It's because we have learned over the years to have expectations - hope for the best, expect the worse-  and react accordingly. We have learned to adapt. Arguably one of my best qualities that I don't feel arrogant admitting, is my ability to adapt. I wouldn't call me a chameleon or anything close to having the advantageous ability to have my body react to the environment around me, however mentally, I'm fully capable of thinking through any problem that comes my way. I can deal with meat that's medium, I can deal with meat that's fully cooked, I can deal with no meat at all (yay tofu friends!).

The potatoes refer to our ideals, and our maturity. At times we want our potatoes fried, sometimes we want them baked, sometimes we want them plain, sometimes we want them with bacon, sometimes with want them with sour cream. Sometimes want them at breakfast, and sometimes we want.. you get the point. At times we feel like being silly, at times we feel like we need to act a certain way based on society, but our core personality comes from however we're feeling and what emotions we decide to show at the current time.

So if we're talking a plate of food here, we're all over the place. Do we serve meat, how cooked do we want it, etc etc. What about our potatoes, do we even want potatoes tonight, what about pasta instead? Are we feeling upto having sour cream again? It's not even sour.. If we're talking life goals and morals, we should have that ironed out right? At 26 years old, I'm still trying to piece this together. I feel like people in their 30s (my siblings are a good example) have their lives together. Why can't I have mine together at 26? They have kids, they have a purpose, they have meaning. If our plates keep changing, our meals are always different, how can we have a grasp of what our goals, and ideals are? We can't forget our veggies either, which of course I'll save for another conversation - love me those veggies.

Why do we wake up every morning when an alarm goes off? Why do we subject ourselves to a nine to five lifestyle, or a curfew, or going to sleep at a certain time so we can function at a certain hour in the morning. Our bodies are just being used and abused, and we do it all the time hoping we bounce back. More times than not, we bounce back so we find it acceptable to do this. I think the reason we wake up is because we find our present moment more important than the dreams we were in. Our day-dreams become our realities, our night-dreams.... have many meanings. I don't often remember mine, so I can't speak to this much. I think purpose is the reason we wake up, we have things to do - and the things build on other things - which inevitably work towards our goals. So we wake up for purpose, got it! What if our goals aren't in sight, or are skewed, this could explain why I don't like getting out of bed recently.

I look at my life and question whether I'm putting forth effort correctly to go after my goals, or should be putting forth effort in other places. My mind runs, it goes a million miles a minute. The motorcycle calms it down, but also speeds it up. Music calms it down, but there never seems to be a good source for music based on whatever mood I'm in. There are other things that calm me, or that ease the mind, but it's so few and far between. There isn't enough steak sauce to go with the steak. There isn't enough sour cream for the potatoes. I'm just not sure what the next step is, or if I'm even focusing on the right things. I'd like to believe I am, but how did I end up jobless, and in a certain state of disarray? Is the reflection really needed for my next step? Am I really impacting enough people, is there more I could be doing? Why don't I have the motivation I should? Is negativity getting ahold of me? Too much time without a focus which has previously been my career, and that might be getting to me.

Clearly my focus should be health - getting a handle on the CF and building a foundation that I can't fall from, but it's been difficult to grasp - difficult to get ahead of; and then finding another job to fulfill me and work towards getting out of debt to have more time to spend with the people I love and care about; and then perhaps change the world for the better.

Without focus, we lose sight of what's important and we get lost.

I'm feeling this moment of lost now, even with the momentary boost of optimism, I don't know if building my career, and spending the time I'm spending is really helping my purpose of changing this planet. I need to find a way to mesh these two goals together without losing sight of my health. I can figure out many problems, my health is not one of them that I have any sort of groundbreaking movement on-  but working on it at least. Fulfillment is important, it helps me keep moving when I don't know how, and I get that out of my career, so I've got that going for me at least.

I can't change this planet alone, I need others who have the drive to help, to do so! There's no reason we need to subject ourselves to a linear way of thinking. There's no reason we need to be a slave to routine and refuse to step outside of our bubble. We need to think critically, we need to solve problems, and we need to be happy! There is so much in this world to be happy, let it fill you up and don't let go of it. Only then will we advance human beings, be unconditionally loved, and impact things positively. It starts with you and I. Every drop of poison to our minds from every word of negativity, every bad habit - changes our reality - our plate of food. It changes how we think, what our current mood is, and what our end goal is. Remember that in every situation, good or bad, you must accept and not let it negativity impact you and your future!

If you want to know how this relates to food - try being angry while eating, or making pasta and expecting potatoes instead. It just doesn't work out the way you want it to, but you eat it anyways. Your life doesn't have to be this way. You don't have to eat the plate of food (your goals), you can change them!

So if you asked me what my purpose in this life is, I'd simply smile, look you in the eyes with my brown eyes, and tell you: This life of mine is exactly what I've made it out to be, and it will continue to unfold and be the book that I choose to write. I will encourage others to make positive choices in their lives in hopes they will make better people out of themselves and in turn hopefully change the planet one friendship at a time. My overall purpose is to have a positive impact on this planet, to the people on it, and to live a fulfilling life for myself by whatever means possible. Regardless of what the plate of food is, or how we eat it, we must have a solid agreement with ourselves on what we want to accomplish in this world, and we must let nothing stand in our way.



As always, thanks for reading - open to suggestions and feedback.

Shadows of the past

On Friday a shadow -which I have not even thought about- was seen. It's like a groundhog coming out when nobody was looking. The shadow was only seen by a select few, who didn't like the shape of the shadow. They looked at it, and then proceeded to cast me aside as if the shadow had predicted some unseen future of catastrophic events. In the old days we'd look at this as some superstition or some lack of reasoning. I could go on and on about our historic failures based on not enough information, we've seen many things in our history of man based on rash decisions.

You would think a business in this day would be different. You'd think that, wouldn't you? I did. I was naive to think that a large organization would at least give me a chance to speak for myself, to talk to me about things.

If you have not caught it so far in this message, basically I got fired due to my background. The same background which landed me in jail for some time, and cost me nearly 8000$ total, a felony on my record, the same shadow which seems to never fade no matter how many sunsets come and go, it's the same thing that's so far in my past, I don't even remember people's names. Drugs, it was all over drugs. We're all young, adventurous, and quite naive about life at our earlier years. For me it was a bit more extreme than others I thought I was smarter than everyone. I was wrong. But I found out very quickly that I couldn't rely on so-called friends, girlfriends, or family to pick me up out of this giant crater that I formed in my own life, I had to do it myself. And this is what I've done.

It's been nearly 6 years since my 20th birthday, which I celebrated in a cell. I do not think I'll ever forget that, and I can surely tell you I don't think about it much. It's only when events happen that require me to explain "my record", or if I feel like telling my life story will somehow help motivate someone close to me. I'll go into detail again for their sake.

Over 5 years have passed, and I look at the 3.5 years of amazing IT career and 18 months of college where I got my associates graduating with honors, and I feel accomplished. I am not content with where I am in my career, and it makes it challenging. How do I continue to learn, grow, thrive, and excel if not given the opportunity to do so? I'll tell you how, find someone who will give me that opportunity.


As I digress, my anger seems to be at peak, my anger for which people judge me without even hearing their peers, without listening to my words, without even recognizing me as nothing more than a name, a number, a sheep. I will not be a sheep. I will not allow myself to become one of those people. See my value, or I'll move on to someone who will. Life is too short to spend the majority of my time working for someone who isn't going to appreciate me. Luckily I had a lot of appreciation for most of the last year or so, it's a shame that only recently that had to change.

I'm highly qualified, I'm highly skilled, I have an inept ability to thrive, and learn almost anything. It's rare that I am not able to figure something out, commit it to memory, compare it with logic to understand it and move on. I'm a very organized, fast paced, high energy person who thrives on his accomplishments and is enthralled by challenges. It's this type of environment that I need. It's this type of environment that I am now seeking. I can look at things from many perspectives, find the best solution, and plan a way to implement the solution with minimal impact on business productivity. These skills alone should be highly valued, as I do not see many people like me in the various jobs I have been. There is only one me, I have been through way too much in this life to look back, get down about this, or give up. I will succeed, I will make something of myself, and I will give back to this world. I will keep all of these thoughts in my head, these recent - more positive - thoughts over the next few weeks while I get back to job searching. I will keep remembering that not every company is full of capitalist ignorance, some will actually care about the single employee who manages their entire infrastructure.

I'm just trying to figure out how to do all of that and still maintain some semblance of good health. I'm working on that though....Now to find a better career opportunity now.

Thanks for reading my rant. I do actually feel better this time, not just words on the screen.

Stubborn Realities, Pt. 1

I'll call this paragraph my preface for the next several blogs. The title Stubborn Realities speaks to my inner battles. Specifically my willpower to overcome the Cystic Fibrosis, and the determination to make my life one worth living. 

This particular post is about two things, one is my thoughts regarding my most recent doctors appointment, and the other is the pseudo madness that is my career right now. Both are challenges that I'm working towards overcoming. If you seem sad before this post is over, just keep reading - I'll restore your faith in my perseverance.

In CF folk, the doctors measure how well are lungs are doing by lung function tests. I'm sure you could 'internet' for a better understanding of what that is - but i'll try to summarize. The test is called a pulmonary function test or PFT. Now this PFT measures 3 specific things. FVC, FEV1, and F25/75. The main number the CF Doc care about is the FEV1. FEV1 represents the proportion of a person's vital capacity that they are able to expire in the first second of expiration - aka how much air i can blow out within the first second. There's a percentage based on how well my lungs are doing compared to a normal person - taking into account my height and weight. This specifically can tell a doctor how well the lungs are doing (or not) without needing to even use their ears. The number below is in Liters.

Let's talk Statistics: (fev1 - liters)

03/15/11 - 3.55

10/16/12 - 3.36

10/25/12 - 3.77

01/13/13 - 3.39

03/05/13 - 3.69

04/04/13 - 3.49

05/30/13 - 3.57

07/18/13 - 3.47

08/29/13 - 3.43

01/02/14 - 2.91

01/16/14 - 3.34

01/23/14 - 3.28

02/27/14 - 3.17 (roughly 65% of what a normal person is)

So if we take a look at this currently, and discuss the trend here, it doesn't seem to be a good trend at all. In January I had CF-related pneumonia and am still fighting abpa currently. I'll save the medical discussion for another time this is more about how I feel and what I think about all of this.

My question to the doctor was: 'I'm a month from being on heavy antibiotics, I should start to be doing much better than what I am, right?' I'm 10 pounds heavier and I no longer have that pneumonia that had me out of life for three weeks.. It only makes sense that I should go back up towards the 3.50 numbers at least, but instead i'm declining? Does that mean that the sickness causes permanent damage in my lungs? Does that mean that I will never get back up towards 3.50? We'll use 3.50 as an arbitrary number, the percentages I'm shooting for are 70-75%. I asked the doctor these questions and he told me maybe. Maybe it's permanent damage, or maybe it's still this lingering sickness. I'm not really certain, and neither are the doctors. It's hard to make that kind of call I think for definite. Why haven't I bounced back?

What can be done? I'm a problem solver, and this is a problem. My lungs aren't back to "normal" or even back up to where they were just a few months ago. Millions of possibilities or potential solutions swarm my brain trying to analyze what seems to be the best fit. I go through every scenario of possibilities, perhaps it's just I haven't been sleeping well, or perhaps it's the weather/climate, or perhaps it's the added work stress, or maybe it's the stress of about to move into another apartment? Okay so I have a lot of potential causing factors, but what can I do about it? I'm a firm believer in only concerning myself with problems I can solve, because otherwise I will fill my brain completely and I will be unable to solve any sort of new problems that come up in life - because i'll be completely full up. I see this all the time, people go into breakdown mode and don't know how to function or solve their latest problem. I seem to do well at focusing my brain and energy towards solving specific problems, why not apply this to my health?

People say, "you should exercise, you'll feel better." I don't think they are wrong at first glance, but it's difficult for me to accept this piece of advice from someone who has no idea how it feels to barely be able to take a deep breath. It's hard for me to even contemplate advice given from someone who has no clue what it's like to constantly cough things up and have to rely on medication to breathe slightly normally. It's difficult for me to even accept advice from Doctors most times for the same reasons. I'm not a lab animal waiting around to try all the medications till one of them works.. Unfortunately I'm stuck on relying on medication. There's no way around it, no amount of praying or breathing exercises are going to help my lungs function during a normal day without wheezing like some sort of anti-inflammatory. The other piece of exercise that people don't understand is the looks I get when I attempt to work out in a public place. The looks of concern people show me when they hear me cough or wheeze, or see me trying to push myself harder. 

It's difficult to overcome this, no matter what piece of advice anyone has to me, it's not going to change the way people look at me. I don't want their pity, I want their respect. I think things will get a little easier having a 24/7 gym in the same building as where I live, at least that's what I'm hoping. I hope to get back in the regimen of swimming in the summer as well. I belong to a few indoor pools, but i can tell you most days it's a struggle to keep my body temperature at a reasonable temp, let alone try to force myself to jump into a frozen indoor pool struggling to force myself to swim laps while freezing my arse off. I don't think my body retains heat like others, either its freezing or it's 1000 degrees, there's no happy medium most days. So what can I say to people so everyone understands me? Why is it so difficult to just listen to the words that I say and try to realize that the negative energy I receive from people looking at me in a gym is much worse than just not going at all in my opinion. I don't need negative energy, I don't need that sort of judgement or pity. 

What I need is to find motivation to do things that don't require a gym membership, things at home like I started today. I've put on some weight recently, for me it's a significant amount (155lbs, up from 140ish). Today I did 3 sets of 10 pushups, 3 sets of 10 crunches, and 3 sets of 5 second leg lifts. I could have pushed myself past this point, but i think it's a good start and it provided me with an outlet- some motivation that it's easy. I should be able to incorporate this in my daily life. I think this is my key, I think is the solution - or not a complete solution but maybe working towards the problem I'm seeing with those statistics up there. 

The problem I see is that, it seems like such a far reach to even try to feel like I'm healthy, let alone have these numbers prove it. I work out and it hurts. It hurts to cough. I end up coughing up blood at times or just coughing so much that my chest hurts and then for several days it hurts to breathe deep. I can't explain this to anyone who doesn't have CF who will truly understand, you just have to be try to put yourself in my shoes somehow. The thought of having permanent damage in my lungs, combined with seeing some statistic online saying the Median age of people with CF is in their 30s - makes for a very depressed and worn down state of mind. I don't know sometimes what I'm supposed to do. This life - my girlfriend, my career, my friends, and my hobbies distract me from my health. It's a beautiful thing most of the time, but it's also crippling. I can't focus on trying to feel better because I'm too concerned with my work, or my girlfriend, or my family, or my friends lives. I play games to escape and to challenge my mind constantly. My body isn't the best, but I'm pretty confident with my technical abilities, and my ability to learn new things. I'm not stronger than most people physically, but I am most likely stronger mentally - at least that's what people keep telling me.

---------->

Now let me discuss this work madness for awhile, and perhaps you can see how it's driving me crazy. I'm currently employed as a jack-of-all-trades IT guy, who manages servers of all sorts. This has been an incredible career for me where I've skyrocketed into my position, and have not stopped to look back ever since. My job is like 40% Project management (implementing new technologies, or upgrading existing, etc), 35% Troubleshooting, and 25% helping end users (typically developers). It's such an awesome job, where I have the freedom to research and implement new solutions, I have a great boss and I'm being paid pretty well also. So all of this sounds great, except lately it's been pretty hectic because my company got acquired. So everything I love about this job may likely change. Luckily they aren't laying anyone off or anything like that, it's just been a slow brutal process of waiting for a job offer to come in. I may report to someone in California soon, or I have no clue what the future holds for me. 

The two options that will be presented to me are this: 1) a full time job offer letter, or 2) a contract - short term job offer letter (could be 90 days, could be 6 months). Both of these have their advantages, depending on what the details of the job offer contain - might be better to have some sort of endgame and force me to find other career options, but then again a full time position could yield better pay and different experiences. This could be a great thing for my career, but where does that matter in the grand scheme of things? This new company is about 800 employees which is significantly larger than what I've been exposed to from the technology side so I could potentially excel up the corporate ladder.. and etc. I feel as though the uncertainty of not knowing what the future holds is exciting, but it's also very stressful. It could be even more stressful depending on what happens over the course of the next few weeks. I'm still hopeful that things will go good for me.

Is my work negatively affecting my health? Even though I have fulfillment at my position and my career, is that fulfillment enough to perhaps negate the years of my life that I will never get back? I don't think I'll make it to retirement, so why not have as much as fun while I can? Oh right, money. It always goes back to money.. Am I killing myself faster than my disease, just so I can attempt to get ahead in life quicker? What's it matter if I'm out of debt in 5 years when the next 5 years of my life will determine exactly how long I will be able to live on this planet? Everyday counts, and I need to remind myself that I will win. I must win. There is no other option but winning. But what does winning really mean?

To my friends and loved ones reading this: I look to you for motivation, positive energy, and direction. I think I understand how to solve this problem. What I need is alternative ways that I haven't already thought of. What I need is to be strong enough to push back and hopefully my lung function goes back up to what it was prior to getting sick in Dec/Jan. I need to keep moving. I'm looking to you for motivation, even if you don't realize it. 

Passion

What is passion to you? I find the definition to be pretty on point with my rant this evening: strong and barely controllable emotion.

I would consider myself a great judge of character. It has been only because of my hardships, and my lack of self confidence growing up that I was gullible to a fault, and wanted to only see the good in people. I now look past that and try to see all sides of peoples intentions and peoples demeanor.

I love the quote, "You are who you associate with", and I live my life by this saying. To me, if you want to know who you are, you should just look at the people around you and they will tell you exactly what you need to know. I find myself surrounded by kind-hearted, passionate people. I seem to be drawn to these kinds of people the most. I look up to passionate people. I even strive to achieve goals based on the fact that others tried passionately and some succeeded.

In my own view, passion is the one of the best traits a person can have. I respect passion from a person more than anything else other than their true genuine nature. I find deep connection with people who live their lives by passion and don't even know it.


Passion for a musical instrument produces a quality musician that everyone wants to hear play. One that can change your mood, change your emotions, and influence you positively by just passionately doing what they love. Even if I can never understand why people would make their lives around playing music, I can respect the fact that they enjoy it enough to make it their entire lives, and they are passionate enough to try to make it work.

Caring for animals in a way that only can be described as passion. I can relate to this kind of passion everytime I pet a dog or cat, and they instantly connect with me. I've had people tell me in the past that my connection with their dog who usually doesn't befriend people was bizarre. Cats usually like me too. We'll say I relate with the inner instincts in those animals, and try to sense what they are feeling. My passion for animals isn't a tenth of the care and love I've seen people display - the kind of people who work for zoo's or for vet hospitals, etc.

It doesn't matter what the career is, you can pick the passionate people apart from the ones who are just there taking up space. You can see the drive in their eyes, you can almost sense the focus in the air when being near these people. It's the kind of people who are successful and you can never picture them as anything but successful. These kinds of people are fueled by passion. These are the kinds of people I want constantly in my life, to show me how to utilize this passion.

Passion to me is best explained by combining dedication with a sense of curiosity, and an overwhelming flame of energy and emotion. For me, that passion comes from your inner soul, your inner energy, the kind that gets stored up inside waiting to be released and focused onto a single desire, a single outlet.

What kind of person are you without passion? What kind of life are you living, where you don't constantly seek to enjoy a life fueled by passion?

I find myself getting passionate about various things and it makes me feel so alive. It's the reason I own a motorcycle, it's the reason I downshift and accelerate, it's the feeling I get when I get to the top of the 30 foot wall in rock climbing, it's the feeling I get when starting on the top of the mountain, or the feeling I felt when jumping out of an airplane. It's the spark of energy that keeps me going when I should quit. It's the spark of fire that keeps me wanting to take on more and more challenges to the point of being overburdened and overrun with tasks and priorities. Every affectionate kiss to her lips, every passionate stare in her eyes. It's the reason I thrive. It's the reason I breathe.

Sometimes I wish I could store passion up to use it later, or to force myself to work out more or do things I want to do in life. I don't think passion would mean as much if it wasn't such a spontaneous feeling of overwhelming joy. If there's ever a day I lose my passion, or my sense of humor for good, that's the day that I will be gone forever. Till then, I'll be happy to positively influence each and every one of you with my passion when you're feeling low on your own.

Work to live, or live to work?

I find myself often considering whether I'm living to work, or working to live. I see many people older than me in bad health situations- retired or still working- wondering if they will do anything else with their lives before they pass. I try not to be morbid as a rule, but sometimes it comes out.

My dilemma comes from the idea of working x number of years and then retiring, with taking into account the idea of these being my healthiest years, and my health only to decline. You could suggest that I am being negative, but anyone who has CF will tell you, it takes a lot to stay upbeat.

So, I put myself through college for an associates degree, I dove head first into an internship, which landed me my first job in the IT field. I worked for that company for 2 years, and now I'm about a year and a half later, after quitting that job to find myself in a passionate mindset about one thing. I do not want to work myself to death, and not enjoy the somewhat good health I have. So what to do about this?

Those who know me would rightfully suggest that I'm an excellent problem solver. My older sister whom I rarely visit was surprised at how easily I could plan and try to get the family together, as we planned our last week long vacation together. My co-workers get used to my ability to fix all of their problems that I'm an often source of answers to all of their problems, at any given time. Often I find myself taking on large scale problems or projects as a way to put my skills to use. I enjoy the IT field, I never have the same day twice, it's all about project management, learning new things and solving problems, and I seem to do these things really well. Almost to the point of being arrogant about it..

My mindset of being an "exempt" worker is starting to turn pretty stale. (Exempt from overtime, expected to work/be available all the time) I find myself wondering what kinds of other positions I can find, that bring more work-life balance and less work stress BUT still provide me with the challenge and the ability to use my quick thinking skills to solve problems. In the IT field, you're expected to be available all the time, as computers never sleep. I find myself wondering what I would do if I didn't have debt to pay off, wondering if I would even work fulltime if I didn't have to. I find myself wondering how to break out of this 9-5 routine, and find something more culturally acceptable to that work-life ratio that I desperately need.

So a 'normal' person, one who expects to live at least 50-60 healthy years, has no problem with pushing their bodies in their 20s. If you disagree I challenge you to find someone you know in their twenties and ask them if they have friends who drink a few times a week, and still work a full time job. It's to be expected that your/their body can bounce back from that sort of thing, I mean, you're/they're healthy right? However my dilemma I face, without being to morbid is I don't expect to live 50-60 healthy years, I don't have the luxury of trashing my body and worrying about it later, I have to try to be older than I am with the mindset of, how do I settle down and enjoy life?

I just recently got over pneumonia, and it's not the typical - fluid in your lungs kind, its more like the CF-induced overly beaten down pseudomonas aeruginosa infected kind of pneumonia. The kind that where my lung function dropped 15% and the I'm still not at that high point again. Not sure if that bit of lung function is recoverable or not, I find myself having the lack of energy or willpower to strain myself enough to try to find out.. My nurse looked me dead in the face and said, if I can't find work/health balance, I need to find a new career. It was a wake up call really. And so I was sick and I am extremely fortunate to have an amazing job check up on me and show their appreciation for my work by giving me an award (long time coming, not really a pity kind of thing) for my excellent work ethics; while being supportive of my health condition and allowing me time to recover before returning to work, I find myself at a rested state of mind, wondering what I'm really straining myself working like this for. 3 weeks of an PICC in my arm, and lots of antibiotics, to get me somewhere back to what my normal is, and i'm still not there yet a month and a half later. Still on some crazy medication in hopes that it's actually helping, wondering what's next for me.

I feel like the mindset of companies in america, or at least the ones in my area have this business culture ingrained in the brains of the CEOs running these companies, that you must have all workers work 5 days a week, and 8 hours a day to have an effective business. It's worked this far, why would it not continue to work? I'm not talking about all 9-5 jobs, I'm talking about high pressure, high expectations, high energy required jobs. My kind of job, specifically revolves around not making mistakes and making sure an entire infrastructure manages to stay running smoothly, so the engine that makes software (the company i work for) can continue to produce as expected. IT is a field for only a select few, but many try anyways. It's a field of expertise that you need someone to be able to juggle multiple priorities, that change everyday, without getting overwhelmed, and being able to think about solutions and ways to fix problems. The good IT folk can do half of this, the great ones get paid a lot, and they are few and far between. I fall into the category that does my job better than anyone I've ever met. I find that meeting people in my field just teaches me how to do my job better, and to better proceed. I can pick up a new piece of software or technology, and learn it inside and out without ever picking up documentation. It's something that comes easy to me, and I enjoy it thoroughly.

The problem is, I think it's killing me quicker than it should be. It's a double edge sword, I want to be in a position where I can work as hard as I need to, but not be overworked, and still be challenged and fulfilled - BUT I don't want to be in a position where I am being taken advantage of, and just waiting to be replaced by someone who is 'normal' and can take this kind of abuse to their mental/physical body. I complain or speak out and it makes me seem inadequate for the position, or that i'm "taking the victim role". I say nothing and I continue to distract myself with projects and wait for something else to come along or for me to become passionate enough to change my mind.

So I think I'm living to work currently, paying off this debt I got myself into. I find myself like I feel like I'm always on call and I always have to fix everything. It's not a bad thing per-say, promotes job security..

 I will win, I'm just not sure how right now. It's good to get my thoughts down though.