Work to live, or live to work?

I find myself often considering whether I'm living to work, or working to live. I see many people older than me in bad health situations- retired or still working- wondering if they will do anything else with their lives before they pass. I try not to be morbid as a rule, but sometimes it comes out.

My dilemma comes from the idea of working x number of years and then retiring, with taking into account the idea of these being my healthiest years, and my health only to decline. You could suggest that I am being negative, but anyone who has CF will tell you, it takes a lot to stay upbeat.

So, I put myself through college for an associates degree, I dove head first into an internship, which landed me my first job in the IT field. I worked for that company for 2 years, and now I'm about a year and a half later, after quitting that job to find myself in a passionate mindset about one thing. I do not want to work myself to death, and not enjoy the somewhat good health I have. So what to do about this?

Those who know me would rightfully suggest that I'm an excellent problem solver. My older sister whom I rarely visit was surprised at how easily I could plan and try to get the family together, as we planned our last week long vacation together. My co-workers get used to my ability to fix all of their problems that I'm an often source of answers to all of their problems, at any given time. Often I find myself taking on large scale problems or projects as a way to put my skills to use. I enjoy the IT field, I never have the same day twice, it's all about project management, learning new things and solving problems, and I seem to do these things really well. Almost to the point of being arrogant about it..

My mindset of being an "exempt" worker is starting to turn pretty stale. (Exempt from overtime, expected to work/be available all the time) I find myself wondering what kinds of other positions I can find, that bring more work-life balance and less work stress BUT still provide me with the challenge and the ability to use my quick thinking skills to solve problems. In the IT field, you're expected to be available all the time, as computers never sleep. I find myself wondering what I would do if I didn't have debt to pay off, wondering if I would even work fulltime if I didn't have to. I find myself wondering how to break out of this 9-5 routine, and find something more culturally acceptable to that work-life ratio that I desperately need.

So a 'normal' person, one who expects to live at least 50-60 healthy years, has no problem with pushing their bodies in their 20s. If you disagree I challenge you to find someone you know in their twenties and ask them if they have friends who drink a few times a week, and still work a full time job. It's to be expected that your/their body can bounce back from that sort of thing, I mean, you're/they're healthy right? However my dilemma I face, without being to morbid is I don't expect to live 50-60 healthy years, I don't have the luxury of trashing my body and worrying about it later, I have to try to be older than I am with the mindset of, how do I settle down and enjoy life?

I just recently got over pneumonia, and it's not the typical - fluid in your lungs kind, its more like the CF-induced overly beaten down pseudomonas aeruginosa infected kind of pneumonia. The kind that where my lung function dropped 15% and the I'm still not at that high point again. Not sure if that bit of lung function is recoverable or not, I find myself having the lack of energy or willpower to strain myself enough to try to find out.. My nurse looked me dead in the face and said, if I can't find work/health balance, I need to find a new career. It was a wake up call really. And so I was sick and I am extremely fortunate to have an amazing job check up on me and show their appreciation for my work by giving me an award (long time coming, not really a pity kind of thing) for my excellent work ethics; while being supportive of my health condition and allowing me time to recover before returning to work, I find myself at a rested state of mind, wondering what I'm really straining myself working like this for. 3 weeks of an PICC in my arm, and lots of antibiotics, to get me somewhere back to what my normal is, and i'm still not there yet a month and a half later. Still on some crazy medication in hopes that it's actually helping, wondering what's next for me.

I feel like the mindset of companies in america, or at least the ones in my area have this business culture ingrained in the brains of the CEOs running these companies, that you must have all workers work 5 days a week, and 8 hours a day to have an effective business. It's worked this far, why would it not continue to work? I'm not talking about all 9-5 jobs, I'm talking about high pressure, high expectations, high energy required jobs. My kind of job, specifically revolves around not making mistakes and making sure an entire infrastructure manages to stay running smoothly, so the engine that makes software (the company i work for) can continue to produce as expected. IT is a field for only a select few, but many try anyways. It's a field of expertise that you need someone to be able to juggle multiple priorities, that change everyday, without getting overwhelmed, and being able to think about solutions and ways to fix problems. The good IT folk can do half of this, the great ones get paid a lot, and they are few and far between. I fall into the category that does my job better than anyone I've ever met. I find that meeting people in my field just teaches me how to do my job better, and to better proceed. I can pick up a new piece of software or technology, and learn it inside and out without ever picking up documentation. It's something that comes easy to me, and I enjoy it thoroughly.

The problem is, I think it's killing me quicker than it should be. It's a double edge sword, I want to be in a position where I can work as hard as I need to, but not be overworked, and still be challenged and fulfilled - BUT I don't want to be in a position where I am being taken advantage of, and just waiting to be replaced by someone who is 'normal' and can take this kind of abuse to their mental/physical body. I complain or speak out and it makes me seem inadequate for the position, or that i'm "taking the victim role". I say nothing and I continue to distract myself with projects and wait for something else to come along or for me to become passionate enough to change my mind.

So I think I'm living to work currently, paying off this debt I got myself into. I find myself like I feel like I'm always on call and I always have to fix everything. It's not a bad thing per-say, promotes job security..

 I will win, I'm just not sure how right now. It's good to get my thoughts down though.