I'm a little overdue.

I've been out of work now for over 3 months.
In that timeframe I've done way too much thinking.
That means this is going to be heavy.
This is going to be deep rooted.
Unfiltered (mostly) ramblings.
Stable mentally, but thoughts betray those words.
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Okay fine keep reading, I tried to warn you.


I'm overdue for the motivation it takes to deal with this illness.
Every day of our lives we're faced with problems. Whether it's small or big, whether it seems hopeless or whether it's cut and dry, the problems do not go away just because we don't have the motivation or energy. It gets worse sometimes if you neglect your duty to figure out the solution to life's toughest problems. I type this with 40 cm of tube (a piccline) in my arm, at 2 in the morning, after attempting to organize my brain and make sense of what I've been doing to myself all these years. I type this from another huge drastic change in my health, only noticeable when I hit the bottom. It's such a gradual decline I've been tricked into thinking it normal. In general, I see my lung function drop over time and feel hopeless. How can I fight against this uphill battle? That's the easiest metaphor that everyone can understand.


I'm overdue for some sanity.
My whole life is sometimes a cruel joke. I'm quite numb to it after all these years but it still insists on showing me exactly how uncontrollable it can be. I worked hard to put myself through college. It paid off in an internship under a good supervisor who tried to gear me towards this awesome worker/manager/superITguy. It worked, mostly. Then... I moved on soon after changes in management happened. I worked for 5 years, spending easily triple the amount of time working than taking care of my health - those precious lungs of mine. I was always active, I had low health management, and it was "fine". I was f.i.n.e. FINE is a big joke. I wasn't fine. I'm losing lung function in my later 20s much faster than I should be. Doctors tell me everytime I go there. I am now, with 5 years of experience still struggling for a job, in the most hire-able field in this decade. IT work was supposed to be stable. I need a balance of health and life. Health needs to come first. I need to focus on my health, so I can be here to yell at people in my 40s about how they abuse their lungs and it pisses me the fuck off. Wait, that's not right. I need to be here to see others succeed around me, maybe to have some kiddos looking up to me succeeding. Parents live for their kids (the good ones), what do non-parents live for? Themselves or other people? I see people around me confused, and constantly wondering when I'm going to "feel better". As if such a simple thing was achievable by a mere few days of drugs. There are no solutions to the problems, just a bunch of short term fixes. This will take time. This will take patience. This cannot drive me insane.


I'm overdue for a career change.
IT is great, it provides me with distraction, and pays me well for it. That distraction allows me to believe I live a mostly non-cf-plagued life. At least in the open, where people can see and hear - they see a motivated individual who works hard for the goals of the company. I thrive for challenges that actually have answers. In my world, that few actually see, I struggle to keep things moving. I see my health suffer and can't balance. The workforce of this country does not allow for weak people. Nobody wants to pay you to make your own hours and work your ass off, they want to pay you for 3 hours of work in a cube, and 8 hours of your life spent there. They are not willing to bend. Who will break first? It won't be them. The job market is so saturated that I am literally just a name on a paper, on a pile of papers, in an office full of stacks of papers. I need an exit strategy before I work myself into a more-early death..


I'm overdue for the courage to fight, as hard as I can, to do something meaningful in life
I'm overdue for a break from this madness. I'm sick of being knocked back, having to start over.
I'm long overdue for some sort of hope, some positive emotions from my brain - in whatever form.
I'm overdue for being able to breathe without wheezing. I'm overdue for a real pair of lungs.
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It gets better.


I'm overdue for optimism
The rest of this nonsense life of mine is a giant puzzle without one hand, and with a 3 dimensional table with constant-changing-gravity that forces me to pick up the pieces more than actually put the thing together..

Yoga w/ pranayama breathing I think is key to some sort of mental/physical exercise. And being able to monitor my health, would help some I think.. Constant, friendly, positive reminders. Focus. Less distractions and more ability to focus on the things that matter.

I am sick of people telling me what to do, I want them to show me. Show me struggle, show me your pain, and show me how you deal with it. Give me motivation. I want to strive to be better, show me how. Stop telling me WHAT to do, and just show me HOW. Empty suggestions are not helpful. I've dealt with this negativity so long, one little suggestion isn't going to light up an entire castle of darkness. It requires much more light. If you want to light up the darkest dungeon, you need much more than one bright lightbulb of an idea...

I need to figure out a long-lasting self-producing-promoting career. I think web development is key. It's easy, I have a background, I can begin almost immediately, and I can grow. I need to drop the other nine billion things and focus. It's tough, obviously. I have a sense of want to thrive as much as I can, and I know my work will reflect it however I need that opportunity to do so. I need to breathe, easier. I am sick of carrying the weight on my shoulders. There's nothing I can do with all this pressure but collapse or succeed. I've always told myself succeeding is the only option, and I don't plan to change that now.

I need to make a difference to make this life worth a damn. I won't struggle to breathe my entire life only to come up short on making a difference. I won't go through this struggle to not achieve anything, to not help anyone else through it. I will do something. I just don't know what that is yet.